I'll Take Me A Wife

%0:02
Now that we're all back home again
The first thing to do is to steal a hen
And next I'll ask around the glen
About any maids that are 'free'

Of course we'll want a place to stay
So next thing I'll need for my fiancee
Is stone to build our getaway
And someone to make me a key

'Cuz you know how maids
That orcs stole in raids
Got it in their heads to flee
Back in Mordor's pits
They'd throw raging fits
And they'd howl like Morgul-cursed banshees...
I'll build her a room with the strongest door
I'll feed her but sure, she'll sleep on the floor
And though she'll scream and rant and roar
There'll be no orcs (and no fleas!)

% another brother sings

You dumb-arsed fool, you can't steal maids
These dwarves will cut off your braids!
And though you're good with both axe and blade
We won't be accessories!
You have to woo a suitable maid
You can't steal one in a raid!
And even once her price is paid
Her love is not guaranteed...

Brother, see, the custom here is not
That brides, like pigs, are just - got!
You can't treat them like fleshpots!
Maids choose who to marry, no matter how hairy...

So just forget this idiot thought
That maids are stolen or bought
Not much of you's infected with rot
A maid might take you for free!

% the first brother sings

You say that marriage is not like back
In Mordor where they used the rack...
If this is all true, no order or smack
Will bring beautiful maids home to me
I see that I'll have to change my ways
If I'm to win her loving gaze
I can't lock her up if she disobeys
I must crawl back to her on my knees!

I'll get in a barrel of stoutest brew
Set the table for only two
Offer her gemstones and ply her with stew
And hope that her choice is for me!
Then she'll see that I am no bloody orc
I'll show her I can use a fork
We'll soon be eating fried eggs and salt pork
And raising a beardling...maybe!

% looks out at the audience
Any takers??

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